More Schmid premonitions

Last week I dreamed my dad was dying from pancreatic cancer. While this might sound shocking, I dream my dad is dying on a fairly regular basis. The dreams are disturbing, but I've done some research and they don't mean he really is dying. That fact only makes them slightly less disturbing, but it's a good thing to know. The dreams pop up for different reasons and often deliver some sort of message (see below). Anyway, I woke up and felt slightly agitated, but because I do have these dreams fairly regularly, because I hadn't heard of anything going on with my dad, and because my mom had a pancreatic scare not too long ago, I didn't think much about it.

Fast forward to today when my dad suddenly mentions that he had a health scare last week - his doctor thought he might have colon cancer and he had a polyp biopsied. Fortunately (very fortunately), the biopsy came back negative for cancer, so Dad is okay for now. Dad seemed VERY relieved, so I know it was not an insignificant scare. Yikes. I hate thinking about my parents being vulnerable, but they are, just like the rest of us. Not a pleasant thing to think about, but I guess that's the circle of life.

Anyway, I'm obviously thrilled my dad is okay, but I'm also amazed at the weird connection I have to my family or those I love. I don't think it's a coincidence that I dreamed what I did the same week my dad was undergoing a serious medical test. Clearly, the pancreas and colon are different things, but that's not the point. I somehow knew in my subconscious that Dad might not be okay and that whatever it was was serious. That's a pretty powerful connection, and it's something I should probably explore more in the future. I'm not sure how to do that really, but it would be interesting to look into.

The rest of my immediate family seems to have the same power, especially my mom. Normally I'm a pretty skeptical person, but over time I've come to accept this as our reality. Doubt if you want - I might too if the roles were reversed. However, this stuff has happened a lot, and my feelings are often pretty close or dead on. I'm not always right, and I can't predict the future or anything, but there is something there. Whatever it is, it's enough to convince this skeptic, that's for sure!

PS to my parents who read this - tell me these things earlier!

JCC or YWCA?

I want to join a gym as part of my plan to lose weight, but I'm not sure which gym to choose. However, I do know I don't want to join Lifetime or some other corporate gym. I figure I can and should work out somewhere that gives back to the community, and those for profit places don't really compete in that department. Plus, the cost is comparable, so why wouldn't I choose such a place?

Because of that decision, I recently looked at the YWCA and the JCC. I like them both, but I think I like the J better. The only problem is that the Y is literally right next to the Lake Street park and ride station and the J is all the way across town in Saint Louis Park (okay, I do realize that SLP isn't THAT far, but I ride the LRT and often work late - driving to SLP seems harder, especially if it's ever during rush hour). I want the gym I choose to be convenient, as otherwise I probably won't go a whole lot. I need to go at least 8 times a month to receive the insurance discount, but I think I would like to go more than that even. Thus, the Y is tempting for that reason alone. It's the ideal location - I could go right after getting off the train or I could stop at B's and then go back without having to drive more than a mile either way. It doesn't get much easier than that. However, I do like the J better - the workout equipment seemed better, and the place had a warmer feel overall. I'm not sure what to do!

To complicate matters, both clubs have joiners' fee deals that run through Sunday, but I don't think we'll be home from WI in time to join a gym that day. As a result, I have to decide which club by tomorrow if I want to take advantage of the discounts. I think I'll probably just commit to one month at the J and then see how it goes. Wish me luck, and if you have any advice, please share!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone had a great day. I definitely did; B and I watched the parade in the morning, walked Matty, and then I made some green bean casserole for our evening dinner. We went over to the Halters' and enjoyed a fantastic meal - thanks to Mary, Kelly and everyone else who helped for the food. Delicious!

After dinner, we played two really fun games that I had never played before: Apples to Apples and the Bomb (I think that second one is correct). All in all a great day. Tomorrow afternoon, B and I are heading to Wisconsin to spend some time with her family. I'm looking forward to the trip, and I think we will have a good time.

Here's what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. My fantastic family and friends. Even though I'm separated from my sisters and Sarah, I'm still surrounded by excellent people I love and who love me. Can't ask for much more than that.
   
2. B.
3. My health and the health of those I love
4. Being employed - I know it's rough out there and it's going to get worse. I hope I can ride out the storm.
5. A warm and cozy place to live
6. Food - I'm blessed to be able to have almost whatever I want.
   
7. Weight watchers - it's helping me to change something I've wanted to change for a long time.
8. All the traveling I did in the last year - I recognize how fortunate I am to have had such wonderful opportunities to see different parts of our country and also Israel.
   
9. Volleyball and being able to play again. I love and miss team sports, and volleyball makes me happy.
10. Music - music is a constant in my life. It comforts me when I'm sad and increases my joy when I'm happy.
11. The light rail - I love riding the train to work, even if scary things sometimes happen at night.
    

I'm sure I forgot something, but I think that covers the big stuff. I hope everyone has something for which they can be thankful this year. Again, Happy Thanksgiving! Also, yay for the true beginning of the Christmas season too - my tree will be up soon! :)

I'm getting old

When I turned 32 this fall, I thought it sounded old. 31 didn't seem that bad, but 32...that felt different. Yesterday, I realized it IS different! I played in an all day volleyball tournament, and by the end of the day, I was pretty sore. Today, I can't really move around without stiffness. All of this is after taking a good amount of ibuprofen yesterday. Pretty funny. I can remember clearly being able to play volleyball, basketball, or softball games all day as a kid or a teenager without many consequences. I guess I can't blame it all on age, as there were women much older than me playing all day too (though, I have no idea how they feel today. ;) ). I'm sure it also doesn't help that I'm in terrible shape, but still I can't help thinking it has something to do with getting older. Sad, but true.

People always tell me that these days, 30 is young, blah blah blah. To those folks, my body begs to differ today - I'm certainly not over the hill, but 32 is NOT 16. I guess I need to add ibuprofen to the list of things for which I'm grateful this Thanksgiving. ;)

I'm a Christmas junkie!

I LOVE Christmas. I love everything about it - the food, the decorations, the lights, the music, the drinks, the friends, the family, the shopping, gift wrapping, the tree, the smells, the baking, the cards, the parties, the movies, the warm feelings, toys for tots, the advent wreath, even Christmas mass (those last two are weird for me, but it's true). I just love Christmas. Some years I get into it more than other years, but I can already tell I'm REALLY into it this year. I've already been listening to the music, and I already bought some new ornaments. I go through the Christmas section every time I'm at Target, and I already planned a baking party. I just can't wait for the season to be upon us.

I'm not really sure from where this love of Christmas comes, as I'm not at all religious. I don't really think of it as celebrating the birth of Jesus. I'm not aruging that others should feel the same or anything, but to me, it's quite secular. Maybe I love it because everyone seems a lot nicer around Christmas. People donate their time and money to help others, and everyone just seems happier (except at the malls and their parking lots). Or perhaps it's about all the family and friend gatherings or the fabulous food. Or maybe it's all the fantastic childhood memories of visits with Santa, meals and treats at grandma's, and school vacations. I'm not sure.

Even if I cannot pinpoint the exact reason why I love Christmas, I do know that all of it in combination creates a feeling of joy. Danette and I always talk about how decorating the tree brings us joy, or how about buying the ornaments brings us joy. All of it brings us joy. Simply stated, Christmas fills me with joy, and it's truly a wonderful feeling. I wish I could bottle it up and carry it with me all year long. The world would be a much kinder, more caring place if I could.

So, as we approach the Christmas season (or other holidays), I hope you can experience it as I do - joyously. Doing so requires overlooking the insanity at the malls and all the other hustle and bustle and taking the time to just enjoy the moment. Really look at the lights, hum the Christmas tunes, drink the hot cocoa, enjoy the treats, and spend time with your friends and family. Give your time and your money (if you can) to a local charity, and make someone's life a little brighter. Go the extra mile to make someone's day better, whether it be via kind words or deeds. Simply put, find the Christmas spirit and put it into action. Together, we can make the world a better, warmer, kinder place, if only for a month or two. Perhaps the change will carry over into the rest of the year...a long shot, but you never know.

To conclude, and I know it's early (really early), I wish you and yours a wonderfully merry and joyous Christmas! May you find and feel the joy that I do each year, and may all your wishes come true.

PS: If you are going to anything Christmas-y, let me know as I would love to tag along. Kids' concerts, light displays, parades, you name it and I want in. Thanks!

Weight Watchers update

I've now lost a total of 14 pounds on Weight Watchers! Wow! That seems like a lot, and I'm happy about my progress. However, when I think about how much I have to lose, 14 seems tiny in comparison. I try not to think about it like that, as it's overwhelming and scary. It's better to focus on the progress made and on the smaller goals I have, such as losing 10% of my overall body weight, etc.

Sticking to the plan has become a bit more difficult, especially lately, as I'm feeling hungry at times. Vegetables just don't always cut it when it comes to cravings! ;) Plus, sticking to the daily points each day takes a lot of work and planning, and sometimes I'm just tired and want to eat whatever I can find. I'm also worried I will become bored with my food options, but so far so good in that department. Lucky for me, I love soup and sandwiches, and both are super easy to make.

In really positive news, I made it through the first of the major holidays (see earlier Thanksgiving post) without gaining any weight. In fact, I still lost that week, and I ate freely that day (well, within reason). That was quite an accomplishment, and it gives me hope for getting through the next month and a half of holiday parties, cookies, meals, and events without having a total meltdown. I absolutely love holiday treats, especially all the cookies, and I'm not naive enough to think I won't sneak a few here and there, but I hope to minimize the damage. I do know that if I deprive myself completely, I will eventually break down and pig out. That's not a good option, so I'll have to allow myself some treats within reason. It's a fine line, and I hope to navigate it well. In reality, I wonder if I should accept weight maintenance during the holidays as a success...Time will tell, but for now, I feel good about my recent progress. Stay tuned for future updates.

A random PS: Happy birthday to my good friend Kami, who understands WW and all its accompanying struggles. I hope you had a fantastic day!

Thanksgiving 2008

As I've mentioned before, both of my sisters live out of town. This can make celebrating holidays together a bit challenging. However, this year everyone was in town on November 15-16, so we had our family Thanksgiving early. It was a really fun day all around, complete with excellent food and excellent people. We ate, talked, laughed, and played games together. The Halters came, and so did B. I think everyone had a great time, and I couldn't ask for a better holiday. I hope we all continue to celebrate together long into the future. The people make the holidays for me, so thanks to everyone that came and to all the wonderful people in my life. This year, and as always, I'm thankful for YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bad dreams

I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed that my parents and Mary were dead, that my siblings still lived far away, and I was single. As a result, I had nowhere to go for Christmas. I was super, super sad in my dream, and I woke up feeling sad as well. While I'm guessing my sisters will always invite me, I can't help but feel a little worried about what the future will bring for family holidays. I'm not close to a lot of my extended family, so I probably won't be getting together with them in the future. I am close to the Halters, but I'm not sure they would want me invading on their family Christmases...so, though I know it was just a dream, I still feel slightly anxious about what the future holds for family holidays. I can't imagine I'll really be alone, but perhaps I should take the message to heart and attempt to reconnect with my family and some old friends. I love the holidays, and I love them because I get to see the people I love. I can't let that change as I get older, so I think I have some work to do!

Keith Olbermann pretty much sums it up

I'm stealing this directly from Danette's blog. Thanks, D! Text is below if you don't want to watch the video.



SPECIAL COMMENT: THE PASSAGE OF PROP 8
Posted: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:01 PM by Countdown
Filed Under: Special Comment

Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics.

This is about the... human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not... understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want -- a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them -- no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights -- even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage.

If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal... in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry...black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are... gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing -- centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children... All because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage. How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness -- this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness -- share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

---

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of...love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate. You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know...It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow **person...

Just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge.

"It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all:

"So I be written in the Book of Love;

"I do not care about that Book above.

"Erase my name, or write it as you will,

"So I be written in the Book of Love."

---

Good night, and good luck.

So much hatred...

Despite my elation over Obama's victory, there was a lot to be sad about on election night as well. First, voters in four states, Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida, all passed anti-gay constitutional amendments. Arizona, California, and Florida amended their constitutions to ban gay marriage, and Arkansas banned gay adoption. If I understand correctly, Florida's provision was especially onerous, as I think it banned domestic partnership agreements as well (don't quote me on that - I need to do the follow up research).

The loss in California was especially devastating because their Supreme Court had just recently held that the denial of marriage to gay couples violated the state constitution. I really hoped that California would lead the way on this issue, as it often leads the way on most social issues. This time, it failed miserably, and the loss really, really hurt. I believe CA also voted to protect animal rights while at the same time taking away basic civil rights from humans. Ouch. I'm all about animal rights, but come on.

I will never understand why people are so scared of me or other gay people or why they hate us so much that they feel it's okay to deny us basic civil rights. No matter what they try to say, it's simply no different than voting for Jim Crow laws or "separate but equal." Hell, it's not even an attempt at equal. I am a second class citizen in this nation because of who I love, which is something I cannot control, and it makes me angry and sad. Obama's election might show us how far we've come in some ways, but the results in those four states show us how far we still have to go.

To those who voted for such measures or who support them, I find you despicable and pathetic. I don't care who I anger by saying that - it's true. In 10, 20, 30, or maybe even 50 years, society will look back on you the way we look back on slaveholders or segregationists, and you or your relatives will be ashamed of your bigotry and hatred. Times are changing, and you are being left behind. History will not be kind to your bigoted asses. And while I'm not religious, no God I believe in will be kind to you either. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Grow up, and grow a heart.

I'm sure the response will be that it's about preserving the family, religion, or something besides hatred...but we can see right through that. It's a bullshit, cowardly response, and again, history will not be kind. Wake up now, or regret your choices later. One day you will see this, and you will regret the time you spent filled with hate and ignorance. I hope it's sooner rather than later, but I doubt it.

Clearly, I'm quite angry about the anti-gay results. However, that's not the only thing that bummed me out on election day. Minnesota's overall results weren't that great - Coleman is winning, even if barely, Paulsen beat Madia, and Michele "nut job" Bachmann was also reelected. How can Minnesota go for Obama in such huge numbers and then turn around and elect extreme conservatives in other places? Obviously, the burbs aren't the ones voting for Obama, but it's still quite stunning.

As for the Senate race, I do know that Al Franken wasn't a great choice, and I have friends who couldn't stomach voting for him. Plus, Coleman isn't a bible thumping, social conservative or anything totally crazy. I guess I'm not all that surprised at that race. The DFL often chooses the wrong candidate, and I think this was another example of that. Regardless of what went wrong in this race, it makes me sad that Norm still fills Wellstone's seat.

Bachmann's reelection was especially disturbing, as the woman is not only completely unqualified but she is also a total and complete bigot - and she's proud of it! She basically runs on an anti-gay, anti-choice, pro-fossil fuels consumption, pro-war, pro-ending church and state separation, anti-all tax platform and convinces the people of the 6th district to vote for her. WTF!?! This is a woman who actually hid behind bushes to watch the OutFront rally at the state capitol, and a woman who basically wants to bring back McCarthyism, and yet she is still in office. It actually takes work to be that anti-gay, and it usually comes from personal experience. Perhaps her husband bats for the other side...there have been rumors about that. Regardless of what made her crazy, I always knew I felt uncomfortable in the 6th District, and now I am convinced that my feelings were absolutely correct. Scary place for sure, especially for anyone who is different. Best part about Bachmann? She now thinks she's qualifed to sit on the House Ways and Means Committee! God help us all...I'm pretty sure her law degree (she claims her experience as a tax attorney qualifies her) is from some a bible college affiliated with the Oral Roberts University. Yeah, I'm sure she's qualified. Excellent.

So, while I felt happy about Obama's victory, election night 2008 left a lot to be desired, especially for all gay Americans. Obama might be our ally, but he's not going to lead the way for change for us. Few politicians have the courage to take a real stand, and I don't think he'll be different.

Overall, the outcomes left me feeling sad, but also angry. I'm hoping that others feel the same way too and that we can channel that anger into some constructive grass roots advocacy for change. Lord knows we have a long way to go before we reach equality. Let's start today. I still believe in America, and I still believe in Americans. Hatred and bigotry are not our destiny, and we can overcome them. Obama's election definitively proves that. To steal his line, "yes we can!" Together, we can fulfill America's promise, one day and one person at a time. It might take all of my life time and all of my children's life time, but we can do it. Say no to hatred, and say no to bigotry. Say yes to equal rights for all Americans, gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor, able or disabled! We can do this, we can make a difference. "Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!"

PS: It's posts like this that will prevent me from ever running from political office. I just can't reach out and tell anti-gay folks that I hear their voices and that I understand. I just don't have it in me. C'est la vie!