I was recently invited to participate in a panel at the College of Saint Benedict, my alma mater, to discuss what it was like to be a gay student and what it's now like to be a gay alum. I happily accepted the invitation, and I made the trek to central Minnesota last Monday. B, Michelle (another alum), and Michelle's girlfriend Bev joined me. We arrived with enough time to show B and Bev the campus a bit, which was fun. I hadn't been up there in years, and it was interesting to see that while many things have changed, many things have also stayed exactly the same. The sandwich shop that we used to eat at, BoDids, smelled EXACTLY the same. I also loved hearing the library bells...almost transported me back in time. Walking around campus definitely made me me feel old though, especially by the first year dorms. I guess that makes sense, as those students are 18 or 19 years old...young pups compared to my wise and seasoned 32 year old self - HA!
After we ate dinner and completed our mini-tour, it was time for Michelle and me to go speak. Surprisngly, there was a really good turnout! I'm guessing many of the students were required to attend for class, but who cares? At least there were people there. :) It was good to see, and I hope they took something from the presentation.
Not surprisingly, I spoke my mind about CSB and central Minnesota. It's probably important to note here that I was the "Big Lesbian On Campus" duing my sophomore, junior, and senior years, meaning I was out and very active in promoting equal rights for GLBT students. I was so out that if people hung out with me, they were presumed to be gay by default. :) Anyway, during the presentation, I noted that while I made some lifelong friends during my four years there, it was also a very difficult place to be as a lesbian at times. So difficult in fact that I often contemplated transferring to a different school and at times actually felt a bit unsafe. My friend's car was vandalized for having a rainbow sticker, and I was offered a security escort after Matthew Shepard was killed (because we were planning a rally to address that sort of violence). After recounting my difficulties, I specifically addressed any gay students in the audience and said, "if you are gay, get out of central Minnesota." LOL - I guess I was a little blunt. During the question and answer period, one student asked me why I felt the Twin Cities were better, and I then had to rattle off reasons such as, "it's bigger, more populated, diverse community filled with all sorts of people, more progressive attitudes, etc." I also stated that I felt safer in the South visiting family than I did in central Minnesota, which is true (though, I've never traveled alone in the south, and I've never been in the middle of nowhere in the south - I imagine I could rapidly become more scared down there). Anyway, after the follow up question, all I could picture was some headline in the student newspaper saying something like, "Alum tells students to get out of central Minnesota." Nice!
I often wonder if I'm generally too blunt about things, but after some thought on this presentation, I've decided I wasn't too blunt about CSB. I spoke MY truth about MY experience up there. I had a blast at college, but things certainly could have been a lot better too. No one should have to think about having a regular security escort or have to worry about being jumped late at night (that was over at St. John's more than St. Ben's, but still not cool). I shouldn't have had to be worried about harassment and staring, or hate-filled emails from other students. Alas, that was CSB in 1999, and unfortunately, it sounds like it was CSB during the early and mid-2000s and that it is still CSB now.
Despite the difficulties I had there, I'm glad I stayed and stood up for equality. Things will never change in places like that if people don't stay and fight (same goes for the Church - it won't change if all GLBTers abandon it, but that's not a fight I could stay in as I can't stand religion for the most part). Obviously, my life would have been much easier if I had transferred to Smith or St. Kates (the schools I wanted to attend), but I think CSB is a much more accurate reflection of the so-called real world. Most places aren't hotbeds of liberalism or equal rights activity, and I learned a lot of lessons while struggling to fit in in such a place. In Minneapolis/Saint Paul, I rarely worry about being gay - I hold B's hand in public, I kiss her, I call her my partner, girlfriend, fiancee, etc. without really worrying. Unfortuantely, I still don't feel comfortable or safe doing that in most places, including CSB and even my hometown in Carver County. So, what I'm trying to say is that I am glad I didn't transfer because CSB was good preparation for dealing with most of the country. I'm also glad I live in liberal cities now, as I don't think I have the energy to fight so hard on a daily basis in a different place. A girl can only do so much afterall!
All in all, it was great to be back at CSB, and it was great to be a part of the presentation. As I told B, Michelle, and Bev during the ride home, I think the trip up was worth it if we helped just one gay student. It was also worth it if even one straight student got the message and starts challenging his or her peers to be more accepting and kind. Hopefully we had that sort of impact, but I'll never know. Real change is often frustratingly slow, as it requires every single person to think about things in a different way. Regardless, I'm glad I went, and I'm hopeful that we made an impact, even if it was slight. One day at a time, right? :)
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